Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
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Nice try, NASA