Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
12. I think about this all the damn time
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.