inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what