Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.