my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
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[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER