My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
You Might Also Like
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board