[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
beware of dog
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan