[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
You Might Also Like
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
what could possibly go wrong?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough