Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Lmao 🤣
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.