I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID