TODAY
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VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.