the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
john wicks are toilet candles
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.