A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
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I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
War & Peace
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia