If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
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I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
*mops up wine with cat*
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.