Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
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*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
…u ok Nintendo?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.