Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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The cashier just checked me out.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Namaste
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…