Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I need to get some bricks…
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.