Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
New Tinder profile.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
This is sending me to another galaxy
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
my first dose meeting my second
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.