WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
⛄️
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”