9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.