Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
edibles don鈥檛 work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what鈥檚 that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it鈥檚 to keep out ants
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what鈥檚 wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That鈥檚 how I learned it
#Dadlife
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Technically it was only Jesus鈥檚 last supper.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 馃巿 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish