“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
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Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay