i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
A game married people play.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!