My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Very good! 👍😂
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.