[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”