When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
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Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
absolute chaos
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.