“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I need this for my side hustle.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Employees must applaud the planets.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
A friend sent me this.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”