I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
There’s never enough good news
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.