Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Sticker placement is key.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Made something I’m not proud of
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*