It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?