Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?