Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Eat…
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.