If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
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The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.