boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Ok, but like, how married are you?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
🙂🙃🥹
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.