*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
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just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Welcome to the stomach
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.