Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes