The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
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I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.