My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.