You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
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me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Mornin
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”