Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.