When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Doggies just call it style.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
new year update: losing everything but weight
The best plant holders?
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt