Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
You Might Also Like
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Spring cleaning checklist…