Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Stick it to the man
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Skills
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.