[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”