We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Current mood: Potato
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Oops I deleted….
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?