just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.