Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
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defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Google Pay be like:
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.