Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Basically.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
me and who
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”