Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Just this preview of the story is enough
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.