It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.